<input ... ></input><input ... >I'm so bored. there is nothing to do. I am absolutely broke!!! gahhh! this all sucks! and i look and feel like shit. i need to go to they gym.

i have not been on here if forever and so much has happened! i met a really great  guy about a year a ago and moved in with him. then a couple months ago i found him murdered in our back yard to make the story short. it was aweful. i even ended up in a mental hospital. lol that only lasted three days though and i was like.... ughh, no im not this crazy. but in the last two months i've let my body really slip, and i dont know how. i dont really exercise anymore. thats probably a good part. but its time for me to get back in shape. i looke aweful like a fat cow. no more of this moping around buisness i guess.

 :(   Ok. i feel fat and gross. I keep gaining weight lately and people are noticing! my mom said i looked good. the people i work with have noticed i've gained weight. which is the worse. when it used to happen everyone said i was crazy. Now they bring it up, not me! that's it. Today is day one again. I can't let this happen. Liquid fast i think. or veggie

WOW, so im at school right now and the power is out and the teacher is not here. i am like ten minutes early, but everyone else in my class agrees that our teacher should send us home when she gets here. i am so tired.
i decided to become a vegan because yesterday im my yoga class i was the only one there, and my instructor who i have a huge crush on!-told me he was. then i met another vegan at the book store. i was one once but it was too hard with my mom being a bitch about it all the time. Now i don't live with her though so whatever. my teacher was telling me so much stuf about how gross food is. or at least the standard american diet_S.A.D._
so im going to focus on my yoga and become one with myself to help figure out who i am.
*i crashed my car into Ray's truck the other night. not bad, it hardly did anything to my car though and nothing to his truck. he was so mad at me for drinking and driving. i mean, i hardly tapped him, but nun the less. i beat myself up about it all night and morning but they my yoga teacher gave me a personal lesson because i was the only one there and i think he kinda likes me too. but he has no attachments being a true yogie and all. he was telling me his whole philosiphy on relationships. and i really liked it. he said you can enjoy someone, but you cannot be attached to them cause then that makes you stop growing. so as long as whoever is not keeping you from growth then you are fine. probably was not the best day to of had the conversation because then last night Ray asked me what i would do if he broke up with me. and i said nothing, maybe bbe a little upset but then i'd just forget about it and move on. he didn't like that i would be so easy to dismiss him. But it's like, hello? what else would i do, if he broke up with me. i dont like to mope and there would be no changeing it. when someone wants to break up with me, i don't really wanna be that person anyways.
well im going to browse now.

my boyfriend wouldnt sleep with me last night, i mean we had sex, but he couldn't sleep in the same bed as me. he kept getting up and going somewhere else to sleep or he'd just get up and sit there. all night i was asking him what was wrong and he wouldnt tell me. then this morning around 340 i was just like, fuck it, you cant sleep with me and this is getting super annoying so im going home. and i did.
now we probably wont talk for a day or 2 because his phones been turned of and he doesnt want to fix it cause its nice? whatev. bitter.
im so tired too cause i couldnt sleep either. and i missed my class this morning. now i dont know what to do today.
all i do is complain, sorry.

my friend gave me a pair of diesel pants that don't fit her anymore cause she had a baby, but they are still too small for me around my waist, the button pops open...boo. and these pants are sooo cute and make my body look so good i just gotta loose weight until i fit nicely into them. im down to 117 today, i think if i lose 5 or ten more pounds they will fit perfect!
i also got my hair cut and it looks great.
i feel bad because i keep getting into these little fights with my boyfriend over practically nothing, but it's still all his fault! like yesterday he went out with some friends and told me to be home around 7 so we could hang out and have some fun since we've both been so busy lately and then he didn't come home till 1030! he does that shit all the time and then i sit there and wait... or i leave if he's really pissing me off like last night.asswhole. i could have been working out or something. he never puts my feelings first, hell i dont even know if he considers them anymore....

i feel like everyone just keeps punching me and im about to fall to the ground. i do soo much for everyone else but i never get anything in return! its so unfair. hell i even spend more money on my boyfriend then he does on me constantly! and he never feels bad about it. but he doesnt realize inside it really hurts me cause i feel like he doesnt even care about me. im just his fucking trophy girlfriend that he can parade around his friends. and i know he does, because i used to date one of his friends and ever since i started dating him his ego's gotten bigger just because i left my ex(who also happens to be a rock star) for him. like it makes him better or something. but the thing is i left my ex cause i could date a rock star anymore, much less leave someone i loved who was one, just for another that doesnt seem to be any better

ok so i stopped using this as soon as i started last time because it scared me thaat im actually to this point that i have no one in my life to share my problems with! simply because im close to no one because of the problem that i can't talk about. what a cirle. i cant even talk to my boyfriend about it. i know he would flip out, try and fix it but only make it worse. i just feel so lonely. i mean he's my other half, the only person that cares about me, and here i am with all these issues that he has no idea about. he just thinks im a picky eater who always eat at home. ugh.... i dont know what to say right now.



i wish i was back there... home.